Steve & The Enormous Two-Inch Man 1

PART I

This unlikely story all took place on a rainy Tuesday, which was all the more unlikely as it was a weekend. B and I had decided early that morning that we should very much like to go and see a mad cow flog a dead horse, but as they were out of town (to have their poetic licences renewed, I believe) B decided to stay indoors to read a good book by the fireplace. So, as soon as I had found a good book for her to read and built a fireplace for her to read it by, I ventured out alone into the drizzly streets.

It wasn’t long before I was wet through, and only a while longer before I found shelter in a small café. It was a good thing I was naked as otherwise my clothes would have been soaked. The patrons all looked up in unison at my entrance and each gave their own interpretation of a stern glance. It was plain to me, being a worldly sort of person, that they were all trying to tell me something. A silent warning. A sly, curt nod told them I was aware of their warning and I’d keep my eyes open for anything suspicious. After shaking my naked flesh vigorously to rid myself of the last few raindrops – much like a dog would, which is exactly where I learnt this handy trick – I assumed a very inconspicuous aspect and made my swaggering way to a vacant table. The stares continued, and some even looked horrified. I can only assume that the horrified glances came from patrons unpractised in the art of staring, and had no idea their stares looked nothing like warnings. I forgave them their faults as this was a pressing circumstance and my full concentration was needed for the task. I pretended to read a menu, but actually used it to distract any unwanted onlookers from what I was really doing. I was really cunningly scanning the crowd for the source of the patrons’ alarm. It doesn’t take a trained eye like mine long to root out an inconsistency, and sure enough, within seconds, I found it.

Sitting at a corner table, keeping very much to himself, was the smallest man I have ever seen. Now, being a man of the world, I’ve seen my fair share of small people. Why, during a safari in the wilds of Balgowlah Heights I came across an entire flock of short people, all penned in by a fence and running around screaming, as short people are often found doing. A testing sight to say the very least, but still nothing compared to this poor fellow. I admit to having needed a second glance to confirm my initial finding. He was, in my estimation, no taller than two inches from toe to top, but perfect in proportion.

Now, there are stranger things in the world than a small person. Why, only the other day I saw an incredibly small, fur-covered elephant drop a dead mouse at my front door. As we all know elephants are quite all of a flutter when it comes to mice, so this was a strange sighting indeed. But by the way the patrons were aghast at the two-inch man you’d think they’d seen the beach lapping up onto the sea (which is indeed a queer occurrence and has happened only once to me in Rangoon). I must say I was shocked and a little appalled by their behaviour. Hadn’t their mothers told them not to stare? This was no freak of nature to be gawked at; this was a vertically challenged, special person.

On any other day I would have stood up and waggled things scornfully at them. However, this was no ordinary two-inch man. For in fact, and I had to forgive the patrons’ ill manners, this was without a doubt the largest two-inch man I had ever seen. It was unthinkable. If we take size of our common reckoning and think eight-foot is giant for a normal man, then this was beyond comparison. He was easily pushing 5’9”, possibly 5’10”. Now, for a two-inch man that is an enormous growth. Doing a quick calculation in my head I figured he was about 72 times taller than a normal two-inch man, and so figured that if he were born a normal sized man with the same deformity (not that shortness or hugeness is in anyway, shape or form a deformity, and I can say this quite comfortably as I am a friend to short people and one of my closest friends is short anyway) he would be approximately 432 feet tall. Needless to say we were all witness to a phenomenon, and hence my reined wrath.

Stay tuned for Part II of Steve & The Enormous Two-Inch Man